So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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