Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
