OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
