Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
