Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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