apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
