Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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