I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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