I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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