you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
