sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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