Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
