I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Randomize
