i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
