What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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