yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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