Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
