I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
