Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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