My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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