He kissed a someone with a penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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