As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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