from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
