I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
where am i from again
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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