The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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