Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
