What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
