Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
