My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
