so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
