I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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