i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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