Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
