After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
