im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
