I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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