believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
