There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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