so that wasnt chicken after all
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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