if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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