Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
