Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
