Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
