Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
