We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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