It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
