I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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