I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
