Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
