this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
