He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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