Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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